With the festive season upon us, the chairman makes way for an ode to Adair, the giant hampster
Adair, the giant hamster
was a very obese pet
and if you ever saw him
you would take him to a vet …
Of course you'd need, at the very least, a wheelbarrow or preferably a small forklift truck because, as you may or may not remember from a month or two back, Adair the hamster is the beloved but freakishly large pet of little Nicky, the granddaughter of the chairman of the insignificantly-sized investment company SmallBlue Planet.
Come to think of it, that might not be totally accurate in terms of ownership because, the last time we encountered Adair, having prised apart the bars of his cage, he had just escaped from the chairman's office where he had been waiting to visit a specialist vet-come-dietician.
Since then he has been roving the corridors and air-conditioning vents of SmallBlue Planet living off smaller rodents – which is not saying much – and anything else he can sink his teeth into. However, the chairman assures me that any stories doing the rounds about missing security guards are wholly without foundation.
All of the other hamsters
used to laugh and call him names
they never let poor Adair
join in any hamster games …
Not that that particular bothered Adair as he only liked to play one game and he liked to play it solo. This game was called "eat anything and everything" and naturally it included all of those other hamsters who used to laugh and call him names – so let that be a lesson to all you children out there.
"Did you know that nine out of 10 vets say overfeeding is a major cause of increasing pet obesity, according to fat pet experts More Than?" I said to the chairman as we met for a few CTFs – an overly fussy and fairly unappetising cocktail on which I suspect he must receive a special rate from the barman – at The Diminishing Fanbase.
"Really?" he replied. "And just what do the other 10% of vets think causes obesity in pets if it's not overeating?" "A fine point," I said. "I don't think they mentioned that. Still, apparently pet obesity has become even more of an issue than when we last visited the subject because owners are prone to overfeed their furry friends even more than usual over the Christmas period.
"As far as I can tell, it's because they forget to make allowances that their pets, though chubby, are still quite are lot smaller than the owners are. So, say More Than's scientists, one slice of turkey for a cat is the equivalent of a human eating seven slices while one mince pie is worth a quarter of the entire recommended daily calorie intake for a Cocker spaniel."
Then one moonlit Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
"With my reindeer down with flu
I could use a lump like you."
"Virgin Money have also got in on the fat pet game," I continued. "So, bearing in mind they say three-quarters of owners invite their pets to join them at the table for Christmas dinner or a celebratory cocktail, whatever that may be, we're clearly facing an epidemic here." "It would certainly explain how Adair has got the size he has," nodded the chairman. "I knew Nicola couldn't possibly have eaten all those Christmas puddings last year."
"And how is Adair doing?" I asked. "Anyone spotted him recently?" "Not exactly," said the chairman. "However, we've had a few reports of something fat and furry sitting on the roof of SmallBlue when there's a full moon. They described it as making some sort of bloodcurdling noise so, because Adair's a hamster, I suppose that would make it a sort of bloodcurdling nibbling. But, now you mention it, all the reports did stop a few days back. I wonder what could have happened to him."
Then how the hamsters loved him
and they shouted out with glee:
"Adair, the giant hamster
you're due for a coronary."